Using Your Choices Against What Others Want

We all want choices. Variety in the things we consume and do. But there are other choices we make that have a bigger impact. And also ones that others’ don’t want you to have.

This is going to be a bit long and personal. So it won’t hurt my feelings if you don’t want to read. This will be in two sections and will have some info on bad relationships and medical stuff. So you’ve been warned.

The last week of October has been has two really big things happened. I finally finished with my divorce and I had surgery so I wouldn’t be able to have kids. Both things have made me very happy, but most people don’t want to talk about it with me.

Now I know some people can not care about these types of things, no problem. But it seems more like people don’t want to talk about it because it makes them uncomfortable. I’m not even sure if it’s because they think it’s a sad thing. Or that so many really don’t think I should be so happy about either of them.

That I haven’t allowed any of the bad emotions to come through. But they don’t know is that by the time I was ready to talk about it I’d already worked through it all. It was over a year in the making before we decided and I worked through the waves of anger and sadness a long time ago. I’ve almost always worked through things like this alone. It’s partially the introvert in me. But partially because I didn’t want to have to fight again others’ demons.

Most people’s advice came from their own wants and fears, not for what I needed to be happy and healthy. Actually had one friend say not to do it because I would just be giving up on him when he needed help with his mental health. They shared the same mental illness and I know she just showing her fear that others would abandon her because of her illness. Not even remembering all the other things I told her was wrong.

That doesn’t say that I didn’t agonize about the decision beforehand. We would have been together 10 years this last summer. But when I make a decision, That’s it, time to make it happen. No second-guessing.

That it’s still a bit taboo to talk about is frustrating. Especially if you decide to not start dating right away. Like you can’t be happy unless you find another person for your life. That you haven’t “moved on” unless you do. That’s bullshit. I’ve always been happy on my own and I don’t need to be attached to someone to have meaning.

Which brings me to the decision to not have kids.

I finally had the option to have voluntary surgery to have my tubes removed. I’ve been wanting to do something like this for years. I’ve known I didn’t want kids since Junior High. Finally got insurance that would cover it and found a doctor that believed me in my decision.

I’m not exaggerating when I say I was bouncing in my seat for every appointment. Even after the surgery, I wait to feel some other emotions. Mostly because I read up on others who felt sad or like they lost something, even if it was their decision. But nothing else has come up. I am happy and relieved.

Now, a lot of women still get a lot of crap for their choice of being childfree. And believe me, I’ve heard it all.

Won’t you be lonely? That’s what friends and other family are for. Plus that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to have a boyfriend/spouse/partner.

Don’t you want more meaning in your life? So women can’t find any meaning outside of being mothers? We can’t have other causes? What about men? This doesn’t apply to them? Or do priests and monks who decide to not have children (as per their religious belief) have no meaning?

You’ll change your mind. Ah, no I won’t. I’m a grown-ass adult that can make any decision about my life. That’s what our predecessors and ancestors fought for. So we didn’t have to be sold into marriage and be property of our husbands. And just breed for them. Also, somehow I’m not mature enough to make these choices but I’m perfectly fine to make them for another, helpless life.

Isn’t that selfish? Isn’t it selfish to bring another life into the world that I know I won’t be able to give a great life too? To me, if the idea of having kids isn’t a hell yes then it should be a no. That is a life you have to take care of. They deserve all the love and care humanly possible. And not everyone can give that. And what’s wrong with being selfish?

But you would make a great mother. Oh no, I wouldn’t. Yes, I can be caring, but I don’t like kids. Especially babies and the feeling is mutual. I love my friends and family’s kids and I would fight for them, but I still don’t want any. My goal is to be the eccentric, kind of cool, but a little weird aunt. They one that lets everyone do fun stuff, that may not be 100% safe. But also the one you can talk about anything with. No judgment, but maybe some gossip.

Don’t you want some mini-me’s? That sounds a little narcissistic. These are actual humans, with their own wants and needs, who will live different lives than you. Not dolls.

Who will take care of you when you’re old? Myself? No one should have kids just to use them. You should be planning for your own life. Saving money for retirement and when you go. No child has to help you just because you raised them. You decided to have children, they did not choose when they would be born or to whom. They owe you nothing.

Either way, why is it anyone’s business? Can someone truely tell me that my choices have a personal impact on their life? No. So, whatever you decide on doing really does not have any relavence to others in the world. Make your choices for what you need in life.