Boundaries Are Not Walls To Break Down
The difference between boundaries and walls came up with a client recently, and I started asking other people about it too. As you might know, I’m a big advocate for setting healthy boundaries so that people won’t take advantage of you and you can save time and energy, be able to take care of yourself, and simply have energy for the important things. It seems like some people see boundaries as walls.
Walls are what you put up to protect yourself from bad things that have happened to you, and they’re usually not healthy even if they help you in some way. Honestly, I do feel like walls get a bad rap sometimes because they can be necessary while you’re healing. Friends and other well-meaning people want to help you break down walls, because you should be working on those wounds and past experiences over time to improve your life and get yourself into a place where you’re safe to open up again.
Some people have a hard time distinguishing between walls and boundaries. In the beginning, when you’re not sure how to set up your boundaries, you may not know if those are boundaries or walls either. It may be hard for you to figure out yourself and other people might be a little hard on you for having them for many different reasons. It could be anything from everyone getting used to it, how it’s explained, it seems unhealthy to them, or they don’t like the boundaries themselves. You just need to be honest with yourself, and those who care about you, that it’s a work in progress. It will take time to work on setting up boundaries.
Boundaries are not bad. I have a friend who is always late, so my boundary involves not going anywhere with them where punctuality is important. My other friends have set boundaries up because they don’t know how I would react to things. I’m perfectly fine with my friends having to go to other people for things I can’t help them with. You and your friends should be fine with the boundaries that each of you has set up.
The bottomline is that it’s your life. You don’t have to explain yourself until you’re ready, if at all. Don’t always assume that what you’re doing is wrong if someone doesn’t like it or thinks it seems unhealthy. For a lot of us, when it comes to setting boundaries, we feel uncomfortable about doing so. Not everyone will be good at supporting us while we are setting boundaries, and that’s okay. It might actually be a warning that they won’t respect your boundaries. Other times, people feel uncomfortable when you have boundaries and they realize that they don’t and let so many things into their lives.
Not everything needs to be light, airy, or positive either. You’re allowed to feel anger, disappointment, and disgust. You can use words that aren’t the nicest words. Walls and boundaries can help you survive. Slowly work on things, bring your walls down, and get better boundaries. It’s your life, don’t let others dictate how you work it out. Coping mechanisms exist for a reason, and that’s because they are necessary at times.
Please move on to healthier boundaries and work on whatever you need to work on. This is the work you need to do and no one else can do it for you because they are not in your head or your life. You have to decide how your life is going to go and how you’re going to build, or destroy, anything you have within yourself and within your life.